Unbearable unknown

It is absolutely awful to be waiting for the results from the biopsies, D&C and the pelvic wash which we should have on Monday.

I am consumed by worry, guilt, fear when I am not able to try to fake it through the "think positive" mentality.

I'm also still really tired from the surgery (probably the anesthesia, as the pain has been pretty minimal), and during the day usually manage to keep busy and therefore keep myself distracted, but at night... wow, it's tough.

My GP gave me a prescription for some mild sedative to sleep but it doesn't help at all, and I have generally been awake and anxious until about 4am each day. I'm going to try to dig up an Ambien tonight because I really need a decent sleep. I also go into moments of being very sad and very scared and start to cry, and it's hard to come out of that despite the strong supportive tender arms of my husband (and my mom). At night the only thing that seems to calm my brain enough for sleep to come is playing sudoku, I guess the logic rigor repetition of it gives me another focus and eventually gets me to calm down.